Steven Tyler quits Aerosmith. Will now spend more time concentrating on dying

Steven Tyler, pictured below looking like a wax-figurine of a monkey, has quit the band Aerosmith, according to a big name print publication.

Tyler, who it seems to have left the band to further cement his brand, which he clever dubbed “Brand Tyler”  has been unavailable for comment.  Aerosmith guitar virtuoso Joe Perry was quoted as saying that Steve might still be in the band, but since Tyler is “notoriously bad” at returning phone calls, he really doesn’t know.

This story got much less interesting as I researched it more.

I’m sure the band is still together. Go back about your business, nerds.